I’ve been struggling with the perfect heading for this post, until today. What makes today special? Today is my birthday and I never thought that I would be spending it pretty much locked in my house. Lucky for me, I am still able to get out and take a walk, work in my yard and drive to get take-out delivery. What isn’t as pleasant is the fact that I don’t get to celebrate with my family. This is the 6th birthday in our family where we haven’t all been able to get together to celebrate because of this lockdown.
Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand the reason that we can’t all be together and I would feel terrible if one of us weren’t still here. That’s why we stay apart and stay home. So that someday, we can all be together again and healthy! That is most important of all.
That doesn’t make it any less unbearable to be away from family members and loved ones. Through this whole pandemic, I have really tried to maintain a positive attitude, constantly reminding myself that God is in charge and that every thing is going to okay. And that statement is so incredibly true, but it still doesn’t stop my mind from wandering, being fearful and depression setting in. Now I will say that I in no way experience depression as some do. And my heart goes out to each and every one of you who suffer from that awful disease. I am however, human. And depression struck me last week. It was actually pretty impressive that I lasted that long without freaking out, to be honest. It hit though! And it hit hard. I didn’t want to do anything and it took everything I had to drag myself out of bed and shower. I mostly sat and stared at my phone screen all day and most of the night. Not that I really paid any attention to what I was looking at or reading. I became consumed with fear, anger, sadness and I cried. A LOT!
I felt as if the whole world was against me. Not only did I have horrible allergies going on, I felt like everyone was mad at me. I have no idea where that thought even came from, but it was there and it was strong. It just compounded the depression, sadness and anger that I was feeling.
I feel silly sharing all of this with you, but I’m sharing it because I want you to know that if you are feeling this way, it’s normal. It’s okay. All of this uncertainty is down right scary. This is one of the most terrifying things that I have ever experienced. I feel like have no control, because I don’t and I don’t like it. I see people losing their jobs, their businesses and there is no end in sight. I was excited when we thought we would be re-opening our state, only to learn that the stay at home order would be extended. And it will probably be extended again. I just wish this crap would go away! FOREVER! I hate whatever this virus is and I’m sure I’m not the only one. I’m sure pretty much everybody around the world feels the same. Which is why it’s hard writing this, because there are people out there who have it much worse. People are sick, people are dying and I feel somewhat guilty for feeling the way I do. I can’t help it though. It’s how I feel and I won’t apologize for it or be ashamed.
Being the eldest in my family and even though it’s not asked of me, I feel a sense of responsibility to the rest of my family to ensure that they are taken care of. I’ll be honest. I feel like I’ve failed in the communication department with some of my family members. However, I am doing the best that I can and I have to keep reminding myself, I too, am only human.
Then today came along. It started out tough. I didn’t sleep well and once again, things were weighing heavily on my mind. What kind of things you may ask? Well… again things that are completely out of my control. Things that I have to place in Gods hands and let him handle. There is no other way. So that’s what I did and am doing.
I am feeling better and I’m going to be a little kinder to myself from here on out. Today, I shut out the world and just did what I wanted to do. I spent my day sewing the things that I like to sew and watching movies that I like to watch. My husband and my son spoiled me and we had food from my favorite Mexican Restaurant for dinner. Take-out of course, but the bonus was the Banana Margarita that I got too! It was so delicious! I’m not a drinker, but I do enjoy an occasional drink and this one hit the spot!
I hope that you all are taking care of yourselves during this time. I know we chat almost daily on YouTube and I love connecting with you, because believe it or not, you’re helping me get through this as well. Be kind to yourselves, your family and everyone around you!
Peace and Blessings,
PS: Check in on someone this week. They’ll be happy you did and so will you.